Archive for January, 2007


This never happened to Rob and Laura

January 31, 2007

The other morning, it happened.
You know. … It!
The moment I’ve tried to hard to avoid. The moment I’ve been terrified of since Myowndaughter has been mobile. Since she’s been able to climb out of bed and walk into … our bedroom … in the morning … first thing.
I don’t want to awaken any pervs trolling the internet for material.
But, you know, this is a big deal. It is for me, anyway. It scared the bejeezus out of me!
I mean, come on, Myowndaughter, walking in!
She’s impressionable! She’s fragile! And if she has my long-term memory she’ll have vivid images of traumatic moments during her third year of life!
Well, I don’t have those memories. But I do remember times when I was two that I wish I didn’t, like that time when my brother pushed my Big Wheel into the street, right in front of a car, when I was still in the damn thing. I need to remind him of that.
I should have known it was going to happen.
It was just a matter of time.
I mean, come on, for more than two years either the Sexywife, or myself, or both of us, have been exhausted seventy-five percent of the time. There have been random — RANDOM (read — few and bitterly far between) — times that we’ve capitalized on the first quick few minutes of one of Mod’s rare naps. Some mornings … three maybe … no, four … no, maybe three … that Mod’s slept late.
But a majority of the time we’re on the fringe of Mod’s dozing or waking, and we’re on the fringe of something ourselves, and we get interrupted. Many a times there’s come a wail at the most inopportune time! But every time we’ve pulled things together before Mod actually arrived on the scene.
But Sunday morning. Sunday! Of all days. Lord help us.
We thought she was sound asleep, but in retrospect it was after seven, we could have known. Honestly, I think we both didn’t care. It had come to this. And after a minute or two — no, more like five or ten … really — nothing could have stopped us, nothing in this world could have distracted us, nothing imaginable could have pulled us apart … except Ourowndaughter.

It was one of those wailing cries, with the first syllable carrying the full intent of the distress and the second syllable just hanging on
She stood … right … beside … the bed.
Whoa! Where’d she come from?!?!
I might as well have been a savage intruder … bad metaphor … an axe murderer. I might as well have tied up Sexywife … no, wait … I might as well have … been something really terrible, doing something unforgivable. Mod was horrified!
I felt shame! Shame!!!!!
Hey, as a kid in small-minded East Texas I was forced into attending Bethlehem United Methodist Church every time the doors were open. Know the difference between Methodists and Baptists? Methodists can read. (Stole that from “A River Runs Through It”). Point is, I got enough fire-and-brimstone by the time I was 12 to build my own bully pulpit. Thank Heaven I moved away from that … far, far away … my freshman year in college.

I suppose this happens to every couple. Maybe it’s not such big deal. I mean, what do they do in Europe? Everyone’s naked all the time, right? I’ve watched Mr. Bean, and Benny Hill. Don’t they all bathe together until the kids are ready for college? Modesty is not a problem there. Shame is not a problem there. But something in my reptilian brain, or mammalian brain, whatever, some instinct told me “BAD! WRONG!”

And even if it wasn’t, to have such focused concentration broken by a wailing little voice just a few feet away. I mean, man! Everything was going well. All the signs were clear. Surely if Sexywife had been concerned she would have said something. And we always hear the kid, pushing open the door, padding across the piled carpet in her footie PJs. Not this time.

Might as well have thrown a bucket of ice water on me.

I jumped the seven or eight feet from the far side of the bed — the scene of the crime — to the bathroom at the speed of light. And I made sure I stayed in there for a good long while. Finally, with all the lights on and everything in order, I emerged.

I wonder if guys must make a bigger deal out of this than women. Sexywife acted as if nothing had happened. And why not? The woman is sacred. The woman is to be cherished. And the woman is the mother (most of the time). Just ask Freud how messed up a kid could be by walking in. Sometimes a cigar isn’t a cigar. The man is dirty, he’s the perpetrator, weilding a weapon of psychological destruction. It wasn’t Oedipus’s sister who caused all the problems! Thank god Myowndaughter is not Myownson.

Anyway, the kid seemed to be fine. I guess we’ll really find out in eighteen, twenty years if she starts sending us her therapy bills.

The Jan. 29 New Yorker cover shows a little kid in footie pajamas standing at his parents’ bedroom door using a camera phone to catch a conjugal moment. I can’t find the covers archived, but if you run across it, block it out of your mind!


Kid in the dark

January 31, 2007

You know Myowndaughter doesn’t like to go to sleep.
Well, I figured something out.
Her Sexymom and I had been parenting like our parents parented when parenting was considered a phase people had to go through to get to a mid-life crisis. The kid should go to sleep because we told her to go to sleep. Right?
Eureka! I thought, as I often do.
Myowndaughter is a smart kid. She learns well. In fact … I haven’t figured out how to tell my parents this about their granddaughter … she has a brain! We tell her something, and it might take a little while, but she learns.
So why not tell her how we plan to train her to go to sleep without our being in the room. Aha! Brilliant!
Sexywife, being a woman of wisdom, experience, expressed a little doubt. “Right,” she says. “Uh-huh.”
But I tried it. I told Mod the other night, “we’ll stay in the room with you as long as you stay in your bed, stay quiet and go to sleep. But if you get out of your bed and start playing, we’re going to drag you naked from the house, strap you onto Abby’s back, turn her loose and let the rabid cats chase you through the cold dark night, then they’ll lick off your ears, and the evil beasts will slink out of the shadows to give you diaper wedgies before eating you alive!”
Or, maybe I said, … “we’re not going to stay in your room.” Then I topped it off with my signature signal of seriousness, “this … is not … a game.”
Then I kissed her on her head and made her swallow a Valium.
Or, maybe I just said goodnight.
Either way, it seemed to soak in.
You might be surprised — I sure as hell am — to know that it’s worked since then. No throwing herself from her bed to her floor like a demented seal. No begging for water or a ‘neenex.
Of course, there was the other night …
I finish reading to her and I say, “I’m going to be quiet now. I’ll turn off the light and you go to sleep.”
Then I sit on her bed for a few minutes.
This was Sunday night. She wasn’t rambunctious, she just wasn’t ready to give up the ghost.
So I’m sitting there in the dark, silently, and she’s fidgeting, and she says, “Daddy?”
It’s a trap. I stay quiet.
She sits up, crawls out of the covers and stares at me.
Not gonna do it.
She leans forward, turns her head, studies me. I am not making a move. Now she thinks I’m really asleep. She can’t see that my eyes are slightly open. I’m watching her as she slooooooowly gets closer.
Ever been in a pitch-dark room? Or a cavern, like Carlsbad, and the guide turns off the ligths? You can’t see nothin. Hold your hand in front of your face and it’s as if it’s not even there. Or ever try to find the right sock early in the morning without turning on the lights, and you can’t tell if the one in your hand is blue or black? This kid’s examing me like that. Am I blue? Black? Am I even there?
She’s moving in slow motion and a ball of hilariarity starts to grown inside me. I can see her head tilt back and forth. She’s just a foot away. Closer she comes. Closer. Second by second, in the dark, thinking I’m asleep. Six inches away and she still can’t believe that I’m sitting there asleep. Three inches, and she’s aiming right for my eyeballs! Surely she’s goofing off! Surely she’s going to stop! Stop! Stop before I die laughing!
I bite my lip. I clinch my mouth shut. I’ve been leaning on my hand and I’m pushing my mouth closed.
Two inches! She’s two inches from my face!
One inch from my face! and she keeps getting closer! She’s trying to stare into my soul!
I can’t stand this anymore! I totally lose it.
BBBBuuuuupppphhhhhhhhh!!!!!! snortsnortsnortsnort
Quick! Recover!
She still doesn’t move! What’s with this kid? Beats me but it’s funnier than hell.
A second or two after I snort, totally unfazed, she slowy reaches her hand toward me … and pokes me! Like, hey, are you awake? You alive over there?
I break into pieces. I roar with laughter.
Mod never laughed, never said anything else.
I compose myself after a few seconds. Mod lies down, I lean over and tuck her in. A few minutes later, she’s out.
I’m still laughing.


You said it, baby!

January 28, 2007

Yesterday morning the Sexywife is attending to Myowndaughter while Mod sat on the toilet.
“She had a very serious look on her face, like she was straining,” Sexywife told me last night.
“So I told her, ‘It’s OK, relax. Take a deep breath. Poop will come out when it’s ready.’
“So she looks down and shouts, ‘Come ooooouuuttt! Come ooooouuuttt!'”


Something very significant happend last night while we dined in the home of one of my co-workers, we’ll call her “Gladys,” and her geological, professorial husband, “Lavaboy.”

After dinner I’m looking at some of Lavaboy’s cool artifacts — two or three different kinds of lava (turd-like or loogie-lava and lava that results as a sort of oozing zit) and I realize Mod and Sexymom aren’t there.
I wonder off to the guest room to see if, by some weird stroke of luck, Sexymom has convinced Mod to go to sleep, maybe with the help of a little chloroform.
They’re in the bathroom.
“What’s going on?” say I.
“A poop,” says Sexymom.
Whoa. OK. See ya.
Later, Sexymom asks me, “Did you hear Mod say ‘poop’ at the dinner table?”
“She was practically grunting it, ‘poooooop, pooooooop.'”
This was the first time we were guests in someone’s house and Mod, who’s every stinkin bit of 2, dumps in their toilet. A foreign dump. A guest dump.
Let’s review the highlights:
1. Mod recognizes that she has to poop
2. Mod tells her Sexymom that she has to poop, without being shy or embarrassed, or, evidently, completely stopping adult conversation
3. Mod successfully poops
This is a big deal to me because I was raised to believe you don’t go to a friend’s house and bomb it. It’s unfriendly. Disgusting.
My older brother taught me this. He taught me a lot about poop, this farmer who was deathly afraid of germs as a kid. Many a times out in public I held it because the seat would give me germs. What kinds of germs, I had no idea. I mean, I had to dump! Dumpage usually isn’t germ-free. I can usually find a public toilet (except in movie theaters) that’s not covered in something worse than my own excrement. (Here’s a little tip — when on the road and you feel like you’re going to overflow, a gas station’s not the spot, pull into a hotel lot and walk past through the lobby like you’re staying there, a clean bathroom’s always near).
So I held it. Or, if worse came to worse, he showed me how to use about half a roll of toilet paper as a protective barrier.
Some of this was my brother’s own freakiness, some of it was messing with my head. He told me that a girl could get pregnant from a toilet seat. For some reason, this scared me. I’m almost certain now that he was lying.
It’s a wonder I wasn’t scarred for life.
Now, I love to poop! I poop all the time!
And, with Myowndaughter, I make up songs about poop. They’re not only fun, they’re educational.
This morning, it went like this (alternate bass and alto, like a chorus in a tragic opera): Daddy poops Daddy poops! Daddy poops Daddy poops! Daddy poops Daddy poops! Daddy poops Daddy poops! (now the bass voices, with real feeling, like in “Steamboat”) Daaaaaaddy poops ev’ry dA-AAYYY! and it stinnnnnnnnks.
In subsequent verses, substitute names of everyone in the family, including the dogs’.

“‘Gin, Daddy.”
“OK, but sing along with me this time.”

These crappy stories are especially apros po of Doooce’s recent blog.
I’ve never seen so many people speak out in support of one mother’s efforts to get her daughter to poop.
Dooce has a way with words. Mostly she’s wicked funny. Acerbic. Sophomoric in a very familiar way, a way my 30-something self appreciates.
But when this Catherine broad starts giving her shit about … shit — specifically, Dooce’s 2-year-old’s not being potty trained — Dooce’s response seemed very sincere, almost vulnerable. She described, painfully, her daughter’s very emotional and physically challenging trials.
More than 800 people responded to that post within a couple of days. Everyone came to Dooce’s defense; everyone told Catherine to eat shit and die.
Beware, those who flirt miliciously with condemning earnest, sincere maternal instincts! There’s got to be a Greek parable about this, in which one mom insults another and turns into salt that gets snorted up by a seamonster and blown all over Crete, but I can’t think of one.
Carry on, Dooce, and all the Dooces out there!
And best of luck, Leta (Dooce’s daughter)! I’m pulling for you!


Update to the sleep post

January 25, 2007

Last night, Myowndaughter threw a huge fit, which spawned the Audrey Hepburn post, right at bedtime.

Then she slept all night, about 11 hours.


Yes … no … no … maybe … no

January 25, 2007

One of the most amazing things about being a father is watching my kid do what I tell her to do.
I’m not management material. People look at me and they know this. I don’t know how.
But with Myowndaughter, I can tell her to put her sweater on, and she’ll actually do it! I’m just astounded!
Another absolutely amazing thing about being a father — Myowndaughter completely ignores what I tell her to do. It’s as though I’m not even there. I have to look around sometimes, make sure I am there, make sure my voice is audible. I’ll say it again, “put the blocks back in the box,” and nothing. She doesn’t even crack a smile. If I could do that at work …. There’s a whole consulting career behind that behavior.
I think what’s really amazing about both of these things is that I often can’t predict which version of my child I’m going to get — the attentive, obedient one or the one who’s thinking, “excuse me, you’re breating my air.”


Street cred

January 25, 2007

The other day, I actually said, “don’t make me stop this car!”
Then I almost swallowed my tongue to keep from laughing.
I mean, I’d pull over, stop the car and then what?
Ever try to give a 2-year-old a timeout in a Passat?



January 25, 2007

Audrey Hepburn had this really great way of expressing frustration, exhaustion, anger and sadness all in one powerful syllable that just dared you not to pour sympathy at her feet. I get mixed up, but I think in “My Fair Lady” she delivered it after the big ball and she successfully fooled everyone into thinking she was Hungarian royalty, and then back at the house Higgins still treats her like a research rat, and she was all disappointed cause she thought he really cared and all that stuff. And then in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” when she’s been found out and, well, I forget the circumstances, but she doesn’t want to go home to Arkansas with Jed Clampett, and she turns to George Peppard (who just dump his sugarmama), and maybe that’s when she throws her cat out.
Anyway, it’s this “Ooooooooooooouuuuuuuhhhhhh,” and at the end there’s a little bit of sound that’s like an “r” combined with an “m,” that’s almost gutteral but is more from the gut, like she’s just pushed the last atom of oxygen out of her body and her tonsils are about to come out.
It’s very dramatic, and Myowndaughter has it down to a T! She can even do it back-to-back in one tantrum! And she hasn’t even seen those movies!
She’s chock full O’ talent, this kid.